More than 10 years ago, when the darkness had control over me, I remember seeing a bumper sticker that said, “The Meaning of Life is to Live It.” At the time, I was going to the YWCA for sexual violence counseling, and I remember how it made me feel hopeful. I thought about that recently when I saw an ad in the subway that read “I got my life back.”
Recently, I went through a difficult, dark period. I thought I forgave my father, but I really didn’t: not wholeheartedly. Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely no saint. I only did it, or thought I did, because I thought it would help me heal faster. Overcome with the darkness again, this time, it was worse. I was in survival mode like I imagine soldiers at war must be. I felt like I had to keep myself busy, so it wouldn’t devour me.
Thanks to a new friend who’s also a survivor, he reminded me of the power of God’s love while carefully guiding and counseling me about forgiving my father. However, I had to finish the process on my own in private between God and me. The excruciating pain left my heart feeling like you do after exercising when you haven’t done so in a long time. Sore and weak, my heart felt like it had been beaten up, and I guess it had been for all these years.
Thank you, God, for not giving up on me! Thank you for putting people and signs (some literally and some figuratively) in my life to help me remember that you are always there for me. You are truly awesome!